The Room
by ChoboChan
Summary: Randomness with the Last Exile characters. Random time lapses. Warning Many warnings. Xovers
1. Introduction to the room

EPISODE ONE – THE ROOM

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Tatiana Wisla, Alistia Agrew, Claus Valca, and Alvis Hamilton sit in a circle on the floor.

(Crickets chirp in the background.)

CLAUS: (Looks around.) How are there crickets chirping in the background if were the only ones here?

TATIANA: (Glares at one of the walls.) What I want to know is why were here and how for that matter.

ALISTIA: (Coughs politely.) I don't think you'll get an answer out of the wall.

ALVIS: (Blinks.) Hey… Where's Lavi?

SCENE: On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bolds letter stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Inside a voice can be heard.

LAVI: Umm...Hello? Claus? Al?

(Silence.)

LAVI: Anyone?

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Tatiana Wisla, Alistia Agrew, Claus Valca, and Alvis Hamilton sit in a circle on the floor. Claus is currently looking around for crickets that aren't there while Tatiana continues to glare at the wall.

(The chirping continues.)

ALISTIA: (Looks up.) Now that isn't nice. Poor Lavi.

AUTHOR: (Giggles insanely in the background.) Hehe. Suffer! (The giggling suddenly fades away.)

(Alvis's eyes widen at the voice as she clings to Claus.)

CLAUS: Where are those crickets coming from?

TATIANA: (Turns her glare on all of them.) Hello? Doesn't anyone else think this is weird?

ALL: (Stares at her blankly.)

TATIANA: Were stuck in a room without knowing where we are or how we got here.

ALL: (More blank stares.)

TATIANA: (Throws her hands up and yells in frustration.) Never mind! I'll figure it out myself! (Stalks off to a corner of the room grumbling under her breath.)

ALVIS: (Watches her go.) What's with her?

ALISTIA: Too much stress I think.

TATIANA: Argh! (Yells nearly in tears.) Why!

(Alistia walks over to Tatiana and tries to comfort her.)

TATIANA: (Sniffles and looks at her.) Why am I the only that gets how wrong this is.

(Alistia pats her on the head gently and shrugs.)

TATIANA: (Drops her head into her hands.) I want to go home…

CLAUS: (Mumbling.) Crickets…

ALISTIA: (Sweatdrops.) Maybe we should end the chapter now?

AUTHOR: Feh its early but Fine. I'm tired anyways.

(Everything fades out to black.)

00000000

SCENE: Sophia Forrester stands in font of a podium on a stage that seems to be there for no reason.

SOPHIA: Since the Author can't be here since her medication has put her to sleep for the time being, I'll be taking her place.(Looks down at the paper in her hands.) The Author does not own any of the vict- (Ahem) characters involved in this story. They belong to Last Exile and she doesn't own that ether. And lastly she would to thank Dreiser for the idea of this story from his Utena Fanfiction "The Elevator" Which she recommends highly to everyone as it is funny and because it involves rampant anime lesbians. E-mail her if you would like the site. And lastly she would like you to know unlike her other stories she will try and update this once a week. That's is all. (Walks off stage.)


	2. Because the Author wills it so!

EPISODE TWO: Because the Author wills it so!

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Tatiana Wisla, Alistia Agrew, Claus Valca, and Alvis Hamilton are seen inside. Claus is currently looking for crickets that aren't there, Tatiana is nearing a mental breakdown in the corner while Alistia tries to comfort her, and Alvis is watching. Crickets chirp on the background.

CLAUS: (Looking around wildly.) Where? Where are they! I can hear them. (Turns towards Alvis.) You hear them too right? Right?

ALVIS: (Takes one step back and nods slowly.) I hear them…

SCENE: On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bolds letter stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Inside a voice can be heard.

LAVI: If this is a joke it isn't funny!

AUTHOR: (Giggles Madly.) Oh but it is my dear little Lavi! At least to me anyways… Hehe.

LAVI: Who are you?

(Only giggles sound in the background.)

LAVI: Could you help me out of here?

(Silence.)

LAVI: Please… I really have to go…

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Tatiana Wisla, Alistia Agrew, Claus Valca, and Alvis Hamilton are seen inside. Claus is currently looking for crickets that aren't there, Tatiana is nearing a mental breakdown in the corner while Alistia tries to comfort her, and Alvis is watching. Crickets chirp in the background.

TATIANA: (Sniffling.) I mean it's obvious that something's wrong with all this. (Looks at Alistia and suddenly smiles in a blank way.) Maybe… Maybe it's all just a dream. (Stands up and clenches her fists.) Yeah that's it, just a dream and nothing to worry about. All I have to do is wake up.

(Alistia cocks her head to the side in thought before reaching up and pinching Tatiana in the side.)

TATIANA: Oww! (Rubs her side.) What was that for?

ALISTIA: Well since that hurt I'm guessing it's not a dream then.

TATIANA: What? Oh…Damn! (Curls up in the corner and cries.)

ALISTIA: (Pats her one the head once again.) There. There.

TATIANA: (Whimpers.) You're not helping.

(Alvis is currently chatting away with the figure of one Negi Springfield as they both munch on cookies. Both things appearing out of nowhere because the Author wills it so.)

ALISTIA: (Looks up.) That's not really a good reason you know.

AUTHOR: Bah! Who needs logic and common sense?

NEGI: (Looks up nervously.) Umm…who is that?

ALVIS: (Shudders.) I'm trying to ignore it.

AUTHOR: (Giggles insanely once again.) You can never ignore me! For I (Strikes a pose even though she can't be seen.) am the great and mighty Author!

ALISTIA: (Rolls her eyes.) Go away… You're scaring the children.

NEGI: (Scratching the back of his head confused.) Ehh…

AUTHOR: Hush woman! I do what I want!

ALISTIA: (Glares and lowers her voice.) What… was that?

AUTHOR: Heh. What I meant was uhh…(Giggles nervously this time.) Umm… Gotta go!

ALISTIA: (Smirks.) That's what I thought.

(Alistia snickers and turns back to comforting the whimpering Tatiana, though it doesn't seem to be helping at all. Alvis is staring at her when Negi taps her on the shoulder.)

NEGI: Umm is he Okay? (Points to Claus.)

CLAUS: (Currently picking up random objects that have appeared out off nowhere and looking beneath them.) Crickets. Crickets. I know there here somewhere!

ALVIS: (Blinks.) He's been like that since we appeared here. (Confused.) Is that a bathtub? (Squints at the bathtub.) What's in it?

(In the middle of the room sits a Bathtub filled with a green substance. Negi and Alvis just stare at it while the rest of the group deals with their own issues.)

NEGI: (Looks up.) Can I go home now?

(Everything fades to black.)

000000

SCENE: Sophia Forrester stands in font of a podium on a stage that seems to be there for no real reason.

SOPHIA: (Coughs) Since the Author can't be here since Alistia scared her off, I'll be taking her place again. (Looks down at the paper in her hands.) The Author does not own any of the vict- (Ahem) characters involved in this story. They belong to Last Exile and she doesn't own that ether. The brief appearance of Negi Springfield is from Mahou Sensei Negima; the Author does not own that as well. The Author would like knowing whether people prefer chapters done this way or keep the spaces. So please leave a comment. And lastly she would like to thank Dreiser for the idea of this story from his Utena Fanfiction "The Elevator" Which she recommends highly to everyone as it is funny and because it involves rampant anime lesbians. That is all. (Walks off stage.)


	3. Crack

EPISODE THREE: LISTEN TO ME!

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Tatiana Wisla, Alistia Agrew, Claus Valca, and Alvis Hamilton are seen inside. Claus is currently looking for crickets that aren't there, Tatiana is having a mental breakdown in the corner while Alistia tries to comfort her, and Alvis ignores them. Crickets chirp on the background.

CLAUS: Damn those crickets! Where are you!

ALVIS: (Sweatdrops.) Where did Negi go?

AUTHOR: (Zoned out voice.) I got bored of him…

(Alvis shrugs and ignores the voice of the Author focusing her attention the bathtub filled with a green substance. A sudden voice comes from within it.)

BATHTUB: Lollipop. Lollipop.

ALVIS: (Falls over.) Somehow I was expecting something like this. Not like anything makes sense here anyways. (Sighs.)

AUTHOR: Silence! Your surprised understand? Surprised!

ALVIS: (Continues to ignore the Author and suddenly a fish lands on her head.) Wha?

AUTHOR: You can't ignore me! I'm the Author!

(Alistia suddenly appears by Alvis picks up the fish and throws it at Claus and knocking him unconscious. The Author and Alvis stare at her. Silence reings.)

AUTHOR: Why?

ALISTIA: (Shrugs.) He tried searching Tatiana and me for crickets, besides he was getting annoying.

ALVIS/AUTHOR: (Stares at the unconscious Claus and inches away from her. Well Alvis does anyways.)

(Alistia Goes back to Tatiana and Alvis pokes at Claus with a spatula. The bathtub is ignored.)

TATIANA: (Sniffling.) I hate this place.

ALISTIA: (Nods.) Don't worry I can take your mind off this place.

TATIANA: (Stares at her doubtfully and snorts.) Yeah right.

AUTHOR: Exactly! You can never escape from the room! It's impossible… (Rants on and on.)

ALISTIA: (Smiles mischievously.) Well we'll just have to find out won't we?

(Alistia ignores the Author's ranting and pulls a confused Tatiana into another room that happened to appear; a second later the click of a lock is heard. The Author yells after them and Alvis does her best to ignore them once again.)

AUTHOR: Hey! I didn't make that room! Come back out here this instant! (Sniffles.) I'm the Author you know, your not supposed to ignore me… (Stares sadly at the door of the room.) At least let me watch!

ALVIS: (Sighs and sits next to Claus.) I'm the only sane one here…

BATHTUB: Maybe so.

ALVIS: (Stares at the bathtub.) I forgot you were here.

BATHTUB: Don't worry it happens all the time…

SCENE: On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bolds letter stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Inside a voice can be heard.

LAVI: I really, really have to pee…

(Everything fades to black.)

000000

SCENE: Sophia Forrester stands in font of a podium on a stage that seems to be there for no real reason.

SOPHIA: (Sighs.) Once again I'm taking over for the Author because she's to busy trying to sneak into the room with Alistia and Tatiana. (Looks down at the paper in her hands.) The Author does not own any of the vict- (Ahem) characters involved in this story. They belong to Last Exile and she doesn't own that ether. The Author would like knowing whether people prefer chapters done this way or keep the spaces. So please leave a comment. And lastly she would to thank Dreiser for the idea of this story from his Utena Fanfiction "The Elevator" Which she recommends highly to everyone as it is funny and because it involves rampant anime lesbians. Reviews would be nice too because she might make longer chapters. That is all. (As she walking offstage a naked Dio runs by and trips her.) Ow!

DIO: Haha! (Quickly runs away giggling madly.A couple seconds later Lucciola runs by with a guild outfit in his hands.)

SOPHIA: That's it! I quit! (Walks off…somewhere.)


	4. Number fourWtf?

I'm so mean 

There won't be an update next week cause I'm goin to Germany for one and a half weeks. YEY!

EPISODE FOUR: THE BATHTUB

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Claus Valca, and Alvis Hamilton are seen inside. Claus is currently unconscious and Alvis is staring at a bathtub filled with pink… stuff. Crickets no longer chirp in the background

ALVIS: (Looks suspiciously at the bathtub.) Are bathtubs supposed to talk?

BATHTUB: (Chuckles.) I'm no ordinary bathtub!

ALVIS: (Sighs.) I KNEW that already. (Pauses.) Weren't you filled with green stuff? Why is it pink now?

BATHTUB: (Ignores her questions.) You can call me Tubert!

ALVIS: (Blinks.) That doesn't answer my questions.

TUBERT: (Not even listening to her now.) I'm a special bathtub and if you can eat all the pudding from inside me I'll grant you special powers!

ALVIS: o.O;;

AUTHOR: (Far away sounding.) No faces!

SCENE: On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bolds letter stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Inside a question can be heard.

LAVI: Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of?

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Claus Valca, and Alvis Hamilton are seen inside. Claus is currently unconscious and Alvis is running around being chased by a bathtub filled with purple stuff. Crickets no longer chirp in the background.

TUBERT: (Purple pudding tentacles flying around.) Eat me!

ALVIS: (Running away.) Help!

VOICE: Never fear! For I shall save you!

(Alex Rowe suddenly appears wearing nothing but blackspandex shorts, a white towel wrapped around his shoulders, and a pair of black briefs on his head. He strikes a pose as dramatic music plays in the background.)

TUBERT: Eat me! (Tackles Alex and they both go tumbling down a hole in the floor.)

SOHPIA: (Out of nowhere.) Don't worry I'll save you! (Jumps in after Alex.)

ALVIS: (Stares.) wtf just happened…

AUTHOR: (Far away sounding.) No internet speak! And your not allowed to curse! Go and wash your mouth out young lady!

ALVIS: (A bar of soap suddenly lands on her head.) Yeah right… (Chucks the soap over her shoulder.)

(In another part of the room Claus is seen sitting up holding his head when a bar of soap suddenly hits him. He is once again knocked unconscious.)

SCENE: A never-ending hole in the room where the figures of Alex Rowe, Turbert, and Sophia Forrester are falling.

ALEX: (Crying.) But you said I was going to be a hero!

AUTHOR: (Far away sounding.) You did save Alvis in a way…

ALEX: (Perks.) Your right! (Poses and dramatic music suddenly starts playing in the background.) I am the greatness!

SOPHIA: (Stares at Alex with little hearts in her eyes.) Oh you sexy man you!

TUBERT: … Weirdoes…

SCENE: On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bolds letter stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Inside a voice can be heard.

LAVI: Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun? (Silence.) What's Independence Day?

(Everything fades to black.)

00000000

SCENE: The Author stands in front of a door with Moran Shetland as they try to pry it open with a crow bar, currently failing miserably at it.

AUTHOR: (Distractedly.) You people know the deal already. I don't own Last Exile blah blah blah leave comment blah blah thank Dreiser blah blah blah blah funny blah blah blah.. (The crowbar breaks at that moment.) Damn! Where's my chainsaw!

MORAN: (Sighs.) Why am I here again?

AUTHOR: (Smacks him over the head.) Shush and do as I tell you!

MORAN: (Rubbing his head dejectedly.) Right…


	5. In which stuff happens

Wow I just needed to write some more randomness…..

EPISODE FIVE: IN WHICH STUFF HAPPENS.

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Claus Valca and Alvis Hamilton are seen inside. Claus is currently unconscious while Alvis is staring down a never-ending hole in the middle of the room. Crickets chirp in the background.

Claus: (Begins waking up only to hold his head and scream in horror.) Omg! There still here!

Author: (Far away sounding.) Hey! I said no Internet speak! (Mutters.) No respect I tell you... and damn it haven't you gotten that door open yet! (Voice fades out.)

Alvis: (Twitches.) That's it I'm out of this sucky story! I'm not getting paid enough for this. (Takes out a pair of black shades and snaps her fingers.)

Unnamed guy in suit: You called Miss Hamilton?

Alvis: (Sliding on the shades she snaps her fingers again. Another random door appears.) Ready the car we're getting out of here.

Unnamed guy in suit: As you wish. (Disappears.)

Alvis: (Turn to Claus.) By the way, those crickets you're looking for, they're down there. (Points to the hole in the floor and walks out the door smirking. The door disappears behind her.)

Claus: At last! Thought you could hide from me huh? (Jumps down the hole only to realize he's now falling.) ………..Oh shit!

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bold letters stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Inside someone has been forgotten.

Lavi: (Whimpers.) I'm still you know…

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: A never-ending hole in the ground where a posing Alex Row in only a pair spandex shorts, a towel around his shoulders and a pair of boxers on his head, a love struck and possibly insane Sophia Forrester clinging to him, and a bathtub full of red jelly named Tubert are falling. Dramatic sounding music plays in the background.

Sophia: (Hearts in her eyes and drooling.) Oh Alex you hunk of a man you!

Alex: (Strikes different pose and smirks.) Haha! That's right I am aren't I?

Sophia: (Swoons.) I want to have your babies!

Tubert: (Gags.) Oh God kill me now…

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: Above the clouds in Heaven God is seen aiming a sniper rifle at a certain bathtub.

God: (Peering into the scope of the rifle.) Steady, steady…

Random Angel: (Taps God on the shoulder.) Umm God there's a phone call for you.

God: (Sighs and picks up the rifle.) Damn.

(Scene fades out.)

Scene: Sunset on a beach in an undisclosed location where the figures of Tatiana Wisla and Alistia Agrew are seen clad in bathing suits while lounging on some beach towels. Ocean waves and birdcalls sound in the background including a buzzing that suspiciously sounds like a chainsaw.

Tatiana: (Looks around wildly.) Ok wait, now we're on a beach?! (Looks down at herself.) And where the hell did my clothing go?!

Alistia: (In a soothing voice.) Really you should thinking so much about it and just relax and enjoy. (Points to the shoreline.) See isn't it a great view?

Tatiana: (Stares at her blankly for a few second.) You said this would take my mind off this weirdness. (Gestures wildly at their surroundings.) How is this any different!

Alistia: (Sighs and shakes her head some.) This was only to set the mood. (Glares evilly at her.) Now shut up, relax and enjoy understood?

Tatiana: (Flinches at the glare and watches the shoreline obediently.) Yes ma'am…

Alistia: (Smiles brightly and gently pats her on the head again.) Good girl. (Turns her attention towards the shoreline as well.)

(Silence reigns for a few minutes before Tatiana is struck by a thought.)

Tatiana: Wait...(Looks back at her with a confused expression.) The mood for what?

Alistia: (Only smirks in return.)

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: A large white room where the figures of Nodoka Miyazaki, Kaede Nagase, Mana Tatsumiya, Setsuna Sakurazaki, Konoka Konoe, Negi Springfield, and Barney all sit in a circle around a never-ending hole in the floor. Crickets chirp in the back round and a faint scream about evil crickets comes from within the hole.

Negi: (Looks around.) Ah, I'm back here again.

Kaede: (Opens an eye and stares a him.) You've been here before then Negi-bouzu?

Negi: (Nods.) Yeah I-(Interrupted by the sound of a gunshot.)

(All heads turn towards Mana and a faintly traumatized Nodoka. All then watch as Barney falls into the never-ending hole with a penny sized hole in his head.)

Mana. (Puts a smoking handgun back away into her invisible pocket.) Oh sorry about that, continue please.

(All sweat drops as the scene fades out.)

On a boat in the middle of the ocean sits a crate with bold letters stamped onto it saying. "ONE WAY TO: THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE" Standing besides it and staring are the figures of Asuna Kagurazaka, Ayaka Yukihiro, Nao Yuuki and Vincent Alzey.

Asuna: (Blinks.) ……What the hell?

Lavi: (Cries in relief.) Oh my God! Someone's actually out there! (Whimpers.) Can you let me out please?

Ayaka: There someone in there?! (Shocked and vaguely disturbed that there's actually a person inside said box rushes over to open it.)

Vincent: (Equally disturbed rushes over to help with a crowbar that was conveniently laying by his feet.)

Nao: (Smirking.) I say we just leave her in there.

(Ayaka and Vincent glare at her as the scene fades out.)

SCENE: The Author stands in front of a door with Moran Shetland as they try to open it with a chainsaw and a blowtorch, currently failing miserably at it.

Author: (Huffs.) Damn it what the hell is this door made off!

Moran: (Tired and hungry.) Maybe we should just give it up?

Author: (Scowls in return.) Never! I will not miss any yuriness that might go on in this story!

Moran: (Pauses and blinks a few times.) Wait……….You're the Author of this story correct?

Author: (Raises an eyebrow.) I don't see what that has to do with getting this door open but yes, yes I am. Why?

Moran: Couldn't you like, just make yourself appear there or something?

Author: (Pauses and stares at him.) ……..I hate you. (Disappears.)

Moran: (Stares at where the author was just standing.) How am I supposed to get home?

(Scene fades out.)

Scene: Nighttime on a beach in an undisclosed location where the figures of Tatiana Wisla, Alistia Agrew, Shizuru Fujino, and Natsuki Kuga are seen clad in bathing suits while lounging on some beach towels. Alistia and Shizuru seem to be involved in some discussion while Natsuki and Tatiana sit off to the side alternating between watching them and eyeing each other wearily. Ocean waves and birdcalls sound in the background.

Tatiana: Umm…. Hi?

Natsuki: (Stares suspiciously.) What the hell is this place?

Tatiana: (Stares absently at the sky.) I've been asking myself that ever since I've been here. It's better not to try and make sense of it. (Eyes glaze over some.)

Natsuki: (Inches away some before muttering to herself.) Damn just when we were about to have some HLS too…

Tatiana: (Snaps back to her sense after a few moments and blinks.) Have what?

Natsuki: Hot les- (Interrupted by the Author appearing next to her.) WTF?!

Author: No Internet speak damn it! (Huffs before pointing at Alistia.) Thought I wouldn't figure out how to get here didn't you! Trying to do yuri stuff behind my back huh? Well my Author powers allow me to huh? (Stares a Shizuru and Natsuki confused.) How did you guys get here?

Shizuru: (Raises an eyebrow.) Ara shouldn't you know? You are the Author after all right?

Author: (Continues to look confused for a moment before coughing.) R-right! (Strikes a pose.) Of course I the almighty Author planned this of course! Haha…(Coughs again.)

Shizuru: Is that so….(While still smiling a large naginata appears in her hands.) But you see this really wasn't the best time, Natsuki and I were a bit… busy.

Author: (Sweats heavily while staring at the naginata.) O-oh?…

Natsuki: (Materializes her pistols and glares at the Author.) Send us back!

Author: (Pales and nods.) R-right away. (Waves her hand a bit and they both disappear.)

Alistia: (Smiles sweetly at the Author.) Don't you have somewhere else to be?

Author: …….Ok appearing in this story is just bad for my health…(Quickly disappears.)

Tatiana: (Eyes wide and rushes over to where the Author was standing.) Wait! Send me back too!

Alistia: (Sighs and wraps her arms around her from behind.) Now…you wouldn't leave me all alone here would you? (Pouts then whispers huskily into her ear.) Besides Shizuru gave me such an interesting book and I want to try some things out.

Tatiana: (Turns red and shudders some stuttering.) Umm Wha-what kind of b-book?

Alistia: Lets find out shall we? (Giggles and nibbles on one of her earlobes.)

Tatiana: (Only nods unable to respond at the moment.)

(Scene fades out.)

SCENE: A couch in an undisclosed room the Author lays there with an Icepack on her head.

Author: You people know the deal already. I don't own Last Exile, Mai Hime, or Negima blah blah blah leave comment blah blah read Dreiser's fiction blah blah blah blah funny blah blah blah…………… Moran… Get me a Pepsei……

Moran: Yes ma'am (Walks off grumbling to get said Pepsei.) Why can't I go home already…

(A madly giggling and quite naked Dio runs across his path followed by Lucciola holding a Guild suit.)

Moran: ………..


End file.
